Pizza-Vendo-Fun Time

"What do you want on YOUR Tombstone?" rattles throughout the halls of my memory, a cheesy undertakerish cowboy asking the question not of what I want my eternal epitaph but what kind of topping I want on my freezer-burnt, thin-crusted over-cooked pizza.

Let's get somethings straight, Slim, I'm a fucking Tony's Pizza kid. Always have been, always will be.

At the time I was viewing these commercials (I know they still have money behind broadcast spots, but this particle campaign might have fizzled in the mid-90s), the only way you could get yourself a Tombstone was to go to the poor kid's house, next door and convince him to throw that sucker in the oven while his mom was out "getting her hair done," (which I later found out meant "banging some dude who worked at Albertson's") forfeiting at least one night's dinner for my curiosity as to what these Tombstones were all about. After a bite, maybe two, I'm certain he was not pleased with my decision to throw the rest out. Seriously, I'd rather slather some ketchup on an air-filter. Of course, you could retrieve one of these ghastly things from the grocery store and prepare it yourself, thus allowing shitbag neighbor to have more food in his belly and less grumblings for county-paid lunch at school the next day.

Well kids... those days are over. The wizards and cash behind the Kraft Foods Pizza Department have taken the next step in providing poor, stoned, college freshman kids with their product. Drive-by Tombstonings? No. Welfare? Nuh-uh. Like the availability for a Japanese kid to get his dong tickled while he eats a big mac, out of the same machine ... Tombstone has entered the vending age:



The story can be found here.

Yum!