Pray for Detective Somerset.

Unless you live under a rock, or for some reason, don’t have the internet but indeed do live out from underneath a rock (one large enough for a human to live under)… Morgan Freeman, and some woman who was not his wife, flipped, rolled and destroyed a 1997 Nissan Maxima (her car, it has to be, right?). This accident left both of them in serious (or was it critical? I’m sure that if it was critical, it has been downgraded to serious) condition.

Shawshank’s Red.

The voice of the Olympics.

Mr. American Express.

March of the Penguins.

God (you know, via Evan / Bruce Almighty)

America’s new, preferred voiceover go-to in situations of emotion and comfort.

This accident. The spinning Maxima. Could it be that our beloved Morgan Freeman’s near meeting with death was the result of actions and events plotted by this man:



That’s right, I’ve just insinuated that James Earl Jones is the mastermind behind a narrowly unsuccessful attempt on the life of the man who has replaced him on the mantle as America’s-favorite-deep-voiced-black-guy-who-they-really-like-hearing.

I’m not terribly surprised. It’s fucking Dark Vader, for Christ’s sake.

Peel back the lid, take a peek.

Harrison Ford, for a good stretch of time has been more notably revered actors of his era. He’s grossed oodles of dough playing some of the box office’s most recognizable, macho-yet-cerebral, shining-image-of-American-Ideology characters.

Sure, as Han Solo he’s the cool ying to Luke’s awkward yang. I’d make a Patriot Games / Jack Ryan comment, if I’d ever seen any of those movies. He’s fucking Henry Jones Jr. (“we named the dog Indiana. Indiana is a dog’s name”). Being Ridley Scott’s vision of (Philip K. Dicks) Rick Deckard must have been cool as shit too.

He is … GET OFFFFF MY…PLANE!

I don’t like Harrison Ford. Never have. An over-actor, someone who never explored much range; old balls. Then, to boot he dates Calista Flockhart (is that still going on?), dons a single earring, and does Indy 4 (see: my glowing review)!

My favorite Harrison Ford movie, for as long as I can remember, is Regarding Henry.

…

You know who likes to where golf/polo shirts and cargo shorts?

And backwards hats?

And smoke cigs?

Frat guys? No. Your douche-bag, kinda-older-than-you cousin who never went to college? Nazzir.

I’ll save us both some time … the answer is lesbians. Butch lesbians. Their number in ranks is fucking staggering and on one hand they irritate the living hell out of me (see: forthcoming blog post on Lesbian Karoake night… what y’all call Wednesday), but on the other … they tickle my funny bone. What, with their “Friends don’t let friends take home ugly girls” T-Shirts (thanks lesbian version Snorg) and their much-thicker-than-mine legs.

Do you think this particular path they’ve chosen, means they’re more likely to enjoy / be knowledgeable in sports? Or do they do typical woman stuff … just in a cut-off t-shirt?

I think I’ve found a social experiment. Fire up the bunson burners, dust off my lab coat, kids!

…

I like the idea of super-smart cats who are sent into space as contributing, respected astronauts.